I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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