The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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