Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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