she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
