Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
