You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
