I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
