He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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