someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
