It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
