i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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