Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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