Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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