do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
