my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
