the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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