The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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