i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
