so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
