I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
