It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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