I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
