Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
