I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
His hands were made for my vagina.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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