FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm just crazy horny about you
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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