She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
