an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
