is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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