hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
