Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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