i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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