dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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