and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize
