I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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