Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
