I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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