I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
