Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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