I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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