We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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