got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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