My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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