the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
