I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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