Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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