lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
