I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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