My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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