rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
