You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
