I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
