what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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