i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
