please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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