Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
