if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
