If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
