shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
