I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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