i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
