I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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