the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
