so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize