Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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