OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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