Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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